Government bailout tour called "stimulus for morons"

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Federal attorneys today confirmed that, as part of the $500 billion bailout package for Wall Street, world-famous guitar comedy duo Fuzzy Carrot Nipples is slated to receive $45 billion of taxpayer money. The destination of this enormous sum to a comedy band has legislators disgusted, but powerless to stop it.

"We're rich," said band member Matt Lupton after learning of the windfall. "Which, as you know, is always the first major hurdle in taking over the world."

"And, as an incredibly rich man," said lead guitarist Dan Hedges, "I'd like to tell Miss Tiffany Perlson that she would have had a pretty awesome wardrobe right now, if she hadn't shot me down for a date in tenth grade."

"Ouch, Tiff," said Lupton.

Government officials say that there's nothing they can do to stop the payments, since the legislation has been passed, funds distributed, and the Treasury Department is, "staffed with morons."

Fuzzy Carrot Nipples has announced plans to launch the Government Bailout Tour, with the kickoff show at Loonee's Comedy Club in Colorado Springs, Colorado on January 29, 2009 (with an additional date added January 31, 2009). The 8:00 showtime (and additional 10:30 showtime for the Saturday show) will see the Nips playing the local comedy venue for the first time, which has band members "giddy with anticipation."

"And when we say giddy, we mean that we're giddy in a way that only really rich dudes can be giddy," said Hedges. "Which is to say we'll be giddily blowing our noses on fifty dollar bills."