FCN announce the "Nipples Against Telemarketing" campaign.

Saturday, May 03, 2003

Matt 'n' Dan Press, COLORADO SPRINGS, COLO. -

The Fuzzy Carrot Nipples have released the following statement for the press:

Nipples Against Telemarketing (NAT)

The Fuzzy Carrot Nipples value your privacy, and we pledge never to sell you a CD through unsolicited phone calls.  And that's because we care.  We care about our fans.

But our hatred of the telemarketing industry is more than just a vow never to use it.  Much, much more.  We want to put an end to this vile practice forever.  And we need your help.

We are not asking for financial contributions to further our cause.  All we want is your participation.  Some of it is hard work, but if we get enough support, it will pay off.  And who knows?  It might even be fun.

The central reason why telemarketing is so prevalent in our society is simply that it is profitable.  Corporations have found it to be an easy and dependable way to boost sales for a modest cost.  To achieve our goal, we simply have to adjust these parameters: make it more expensive, and less effective.  Once companies can no longer depend on profits, they will stop.

How do we do this?  By urging all Americans to join together in solidarity and adopt some simple practices:

1.  Never, ever, ever give a telemarketer anything!

Under no circumstances should you buy anything from a telemarketer.  That's what makes them profitable.  Additionally, never give a telemarketer any information that he or she doesn't already have.  Never sign up for long distance; never apply for a credit card.  Even if it's the greatest offer the world has ever seen, pass it up.  Find a different one (or even the same one) on the internet.  As long as a telemarketer doesn't get credit for the sale, it's okay.

2.  Keep them on the phone!

In addition to eliminating telemarketing revenues, we have to increase costs, and we do that by taking up time.  Don't get mad and simply say, "I'm not interested".  Get even, and say, "I'm so glad you called!  I get so lonely here at night.  I often wish I just had someone to talk to!"

This part can actually be fun.  I had a rommate not long ago who would compete with me on how long he could keep a telemarketer on the phone without giving away any information.  I won, of course -- he wasn't very good at it.

3.  Be rude!

Another way we can further our cause is by encouraging the employees to find different jobs.  If companies can't find anybody who is willing to work, they will have to pay more, and that reduces profits.  And we can accomplish this goal by making the telemarketer's life miserable.

Some people understandably have trouble doing this.  It's very difficult for a good-natured human being to willingly cause another distress.  You may even have family members in the business.  If this sounds like you, try to remember that telemarketers aren't really people.  They are a very low form of life, and they don't feel pain the way you and I do.  You don't feel guilty about stepping on a roach, do you?  Also remember that every telemarketer suicide in the world results in thousands, yes thoursands of uninterrupted dinners.

For the less squeemish, this part can actually be fun.  I suggest these games:
  1. Pretend the person they asked for is dead, and you are the grieving widow/widower.  Start crying.  Tell them stories about your lover.  Blame yourself for the death.  (Please be absolutely sure that it's a telemarketer before playing this game!)
  2. Try to seduce them.  Not only will you help the cause, you may also score a date.  (If you do, stand her up.)  Don't limit yourself to playing this game only with members of the opposite sex; they're likely to be more offended through the homoerotic.  Some of them will play along, just remember to always be one step grosser than they are.
  3. Pretend you're extremely depressed.  Talk about everything in your life that's ever gone wrong.  Tell them that if one more person hangs up on you, that you'll finally take steps to end your life.  Then keep talking.
  4. Try to sell them something.  But be careful -- they may want you to buy something in return.  Don't ever give them information, even if it means blowing your own sale!  It would be funny, but it's just not worth it!
  5. Pretend they just called a 900 number.  Say "It's so hot in here!" and describe how you're taking off different articles of clothing, all throughout the conversation.  For bonus points, fake an orgasm.

4.  Keep in touch!

Let us know how the fight is going!  Send stories about how you really stuck it to a telemarketer to mattndan@hotmail.com, and put "NAT Forever!" in the subject line.  Please also let us know if we may put your story on this website, and if you would like to remain anonymous.

Keep the faith!  We will be victorious!

Good luck, and we hope the next time a phone call interrupts your dinner, it's because of a death in your family.

--Dan Hedges, Fuzzy Carrot Nipples co-founder