Fuzzy Carrot Nipples concede 2004 election, announce rock tour
Friday, February 25, 2005
Matt 'n' Dan Press, COLORADO SPRINGS, COLO. -
Nearly four months after Election Day, 2004, the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples have announced that they have stopped begging and pleading for a recount, and recognize George W. Bush as their king.
“We just felt it was time to get back to our musical roots,” said band co-founder Matt Lupton from his private potty in Colorado Springs. “It's a great way to get in touch with your inner soul, while acquiring immense money and power.”
The band announced the kickoff of their “Brazen Marketing Ploy Tour”, which will take place at the Dead Ant Tavern on Saturday, March 19, at 9:00 pm. The show is purported to be the first in a series of dates that will see the band filling stadiums in large, cosmopolitan international cities in Nepal, Equatorial Guinea and Tuvalu.
“We feel we have a large, untapped audience to reach across the globe,” said band member Dan Hedges from behind a bunker of tootsie rolls. “Everyone knows that Tuvaluvians in particular are fond of songs about parasites and disemboweling midgets. They’ll love us, if we can just learn to speak their language, and play their chords.”
Since their unsuccessful bid for the presidency of the United States, Lupton and Hedges have kept a low profile, blaming the fact that they received only two votes in the election on El Nino.
Political pundits nationwide viewed the end of the band's campaign as a positive step for the United States.
“I'm glad they're getting back to their music,” said Cokie Roberts of ABC News. “I hope they have a successful career, and a long, happy retirement. It's best they start collecting social security before they have a chance to destroy it.”
But the band may not be leaving politics permanently.
“We’re gearing up for ‘06 or ‘07 or whenever the heck it is they elect another president in this country,” said Hedges. “And then look out. I mean, what are the odds against losing the same election twice in a row? They must be astronomical or something.”
“But don't get us wrong; we don't want our fans to think that world domination is our goal,” said Lupton. “We want them to think it's our destiny.”