Hedges, Lupton propose moratorium on hurricanes
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Matt 'n' Dan Press, COLORADO SPRINGS, COLO. -
The Hedges and Lupton Presidential candidates changed focus this week to become the anti-hurricane campaign, a move widely-believed to be targeted at the battleground state of Florida. The announcement was made by both members of the comedy-rock group at a press conference with very cheap snacks.
Singer/guitarist Matt Lupton described the platform in a prepared statement. "If elected, my co-president and I are prepared to implement a zero-tolerance policy on hurricanes, up to and including the use of weapons of mass destruction to discourage their formation. Additionally, we will not hesitate to use nuclear force against any island, isthmus, or harbor with a hurricane."
Singer/slide whistler Dan Hedges agreed. "That's right. Because if you harbor a hurricane, then you are a hurricane."
While supporters of the campaign simply winced at such a strained pun, critics consider the change of focus to be a desperate attempt to make ground in a race dominated by the major parties. A recent USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll of likely voters found 52% for Bush, 44% for Kerry, and a whopping 100% recognized neither Hedges nor Lupton as a Presidential candidate.
When asked about the poll results, Lupton said, "There was a sampling error of something like three percent. I think our campaign is doing better than most so-called 'experts' realize."
While most pundits agree the change of focus is meant to gain support in the hurricane-ravaged state of Florida, critics of the campaign believe it will ultimately prove unsuccessful. "When campaigning for a key state," says Newsweek's Charles Krauthammer, "it is generally considered disadvantageous to talk publicly about using nuclear weapons in and around that state."
But Hedges disagrees. "Have we learned nothing from the Johnson/Goldwater race? If you want to get elected in this country, you need to present images of nuclear weapons and flowers."
"And that's just what we're doing," said Lupton, blowing dandelion seeds.